Welcome to JohnDas FunDas & Ideas

Harry Potter virus: Looks like the last file of a virus you just wiped out, until you try to erase it–then it wipes your drive.

Voldemort virus: You can’t get rid of it, only make it dormant. It can be reactivated by the Wormtail virus up to thirteen years later.

Dumbledore virus: Scares off all the other viruses but never seems to actually *do* anything.

Hermione virus: Fills up all available drive space with files of useless information.

Ron virus: Contains code, some of it buggy, from the author’s five previous viruses.

Draco Malfoy virus: Changes all your screensavers to insults.

Remus Lupin virus: Your computer becomes immune to all other virus and worm attacks, but three days out of the month it becomes a Commodore 64.

Weasley virus: Able to replicate even in limited space conditions.

Ginny virus: Looks like just another copy of the Weasley virus, but wreaks havoc every time you blog.

Tom Riddle virus: Masquerades as the Ginny virus, then retreats into memory.

Luna Lovegood virus: Repeatedly points your web browser to conspiracy-theory sites.

Slytherin virus: Your computer no longer reads hybrid CDs.

Gryffindor virus: All your games are reconfigured so you can no longer “Save As.”

Hufflepuff virus: Increases the efficiency of your computer, but gets no credit for it.

An  Interesting One

 

 This is a  real story that happened between the customer of

 General Motors and its  Customer-Care Executive. Pls read on…..

   

A complaint was  received by  the Pontiac Division of General Motors:  

 ’This is the  second time I have written to you, and I don’t blame you

 for not answering  me, because I sounded crazy, but it is a fact that

 we have a tradition in  our family of Ice-Cream for dessert after

 dinner each night, but the kind  of ice cream varies so, every night,

 after we’ve eaten, the whole family  votes on which kind of ice cream we should have

 and I drive down to the  store to get it. It’s also a fact that I

 recently purchased a new Pontiac   and since then

 my trips to the store have created a problem…..

 

 You see, every time I buy a vanilla ice-cream, when I start back  from

 the store my car won’t start. If I get any other kind of ice cream,

 the car starts just fine. I want you to know I’m serious about this 

 question, no matter how silly it sounds “What is there about a Pontiac  

 that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to

 start  whenever I get any other kind?” The Pontiac President was

 understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an Engineer to check it out anyway.

 

 The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well

 educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man 

 just  after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to

 the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure

 enough, after they came back to  the car, it wouldn’t start.

 

The Engineer  returned for three more nights.

The first night, they  got chocolate. The  car started.

The second night, he got strawberry. The car started.

The  third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.

 

 Now the  engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that

 this man’s car was  allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged,

 therefore, to continue his  visits for as long as it took to solve the

 problem. And toward this end he  began to take notes:

 He jotted down  all sorts of  data:

 time of day,

 type  of gas uses,

 time to drive back and forth etc.

 

  In a short time, he  had a clue: the man took less time to buy

 vanilla than any other flavor.  Why? The answer was in the layout of  the store.

 Vanilla, being the most  popular flavor, was in a separate case at the

 front of the store for quick  pickup. All the other flavors were kept

 in the back of the store at a  different counter where

 it took considerably longer to check out the  flavor.

 

 Now, the question for the Engineer was why the car  wouldn’t start

 when it took less time. Eureka – Time was now the problem -  not the

 vanilla ice cream!!!! The engineer quickly

 came up with the  answer: “vapor lock”.

 

 It was happening every night; but the extra  time taken to get the

 other flavors allowed the engine to cool down  sufficiently to start.

 When the man got vanilla, the engine was still

 too  hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

 

 Even crazy  looking problems are sometimes real and all problems

 seem to be simple  only when we find the solution, with cool thinking.

We shouldnt’  just say  it is ” IMPOSSIBLE” without putting a sincere effort…. Observe the word  “IMPOSSIBLE” carefully…  Looking closer you  will see, “I’M  POSSIBLE”…

 

 What really matters is our attitude and our  perception

This history of the world has been compiled by Richard Lederer from actual student bloopers and mistakes collected by teachers. 

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked “Am I my brother’s son?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother’s birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in “The Illiad”, by Homer. Homer also wrote the “Oddity”, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be fore her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In on of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote “Donkey Hote”. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” Then his wife dies and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the 6cPilgrim’s Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared “a horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, “In onion there is strength.” Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called “Candy”. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the “Organ of the Species”. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

• Strike while the ………insect is close.
• Never underestimate the power of…………ants.
• Don’t bite the hand that………………..looks dirty.
• Better to be safe than…………….punch a grade 7 boy.
• If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning.
• It’s always darkest before…………Daylight Saving Time.
• You can lead a horse to water but………..how?
• A bird in hand is……………..an awful mess.
• A miss is as good as a………………….Mr.
• You can’t teach an old dog new…………..maths.
• Love all, trust………………………..me.
• The pen is mightier than the…………….pigs.
• An idle mind is…………………the best way to relax.
• Where there’s smoke there’s……………..pollution.
• Happy the bride who……………gets all the presents.
• A penny saved is……………………….not much.
• Two’s company, three’s…………………the Musketeers.
• Don’t put off till tomorrow what….you put on to go to bed tonight.
• Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……….you have to blow your own nose.
• There are none so blind as………………Stevie Wonder.
• Children should be seen and not………….smacked or grounded.
• If at first you don’t succeed……………get new batteries.
• You get out of something only what you……see in the picture on the box.
• When the blind leadeth the blind……..get out of the way.